When I was in college I worked at the front desk of the dormitory in which I lived. During one of our staff meetings a Myers-Briggs personality test was administered so that we could all ultimately get to know one another better. When the results were revealed, most of the staff was surprised to hear my result: INFJ. The first letter stands for Introverted. (Click here if you're interested in reading the full explanation for this personality profile.) I don't come across as particularly introverted when I first meet people, and I believe that is simply due to having had excellent parents. My siblings and I were all taught how to behave ourselves in public. We traveled frequently, and we were required to dress nicely and be on our best behavior (which is very difficult for a little girl in an itchy dress, incidentally). We were instructed in polite conversation and were expected to greet and speak with people of all ages.
When they explained the results to us at the next staff meeting, they told us that the primary difference between being Introverted and Extraverted is where you find your energy. Introverts tend to recharge their batteries, so to speak, by finding a quiet place to be alone with their thoughts; whether it's a walk outside in the park or a cozy corner chair with a book, their energy is renewed and solace is found unaccompanied by other people. Extraverts prefer to convene with others - share stories and ideas - and gather in groups to uplift one another's spirits.
I lean towards the introverted side, but I also have a very strong need to be heard - to affect people and impart knowledge in some meaningful way, which seems rather extraverted to me. It struck me while I was walking the other day that I'm something of an introverted exhibitionist.
I know after many years of therapy (and much reading of self-help books) that not wanting to be seen plays a significant role in my obesity. Being morbidly obese almost gives a person his or her own personal cloak of invisibility in today's world. Most people avert their eyes when they see a very large person, and I'm sure that most of them do that because they don't want to be caught staring. That has almost exclusively been the experience that I have had, and for the most part, I'm comfortable there.
There are others, though, who gawk openly at fat people and, out of ignorance or hatred, choose to belittle with names, laughter, pointing of fingers, or outright assault. Several years ago I was walking with a very fit, very attractive female friend, and we were heading to a bar. A young man standing next to a bench actually made a moo-ing sound at me as I passed and sneered when I turned to see who was doing it. I didn't acknowledge him in any other regard, and I know the friend I was with made some snide remark in my defense, but I couldn't tell you what it was because my face had turned crimson red, I could barely breathe, and I heard nothing else until we got to the bar. She mercifully claimed she needed to use the ladies' room when we arrived, giving me a few moments alone to recompose myself.
The time I spent in pubs and bars in my early thirties with my two very, very good looking friends confirmed that I would rather suffer one humiliating moment every 10 years or so than spend every weekend trying to find gentle ways to stop the advances of every man who thinks he's got a right to hit on every woman he finds remotely attractive. Women who are thin and fit are far braver than I am. The two friends I mentioned are both extraverts, so I suppose they probably see it from a different point of view, but I loathe conflict. It turns my stomach in knots when I have to tell someone something I know they don't want to hear. I don't want to have to thwart anyone's attempts at flirtation. I watched countless men approach them, many with a very forceful way about them, and I was frightened by it. It didn't seem to frighten my friends, but I knew then as I know now - I'm not equipped to handle outright advances like that.
I have chosen to lose weight for a plethora of reasons, though the top reason is to extend my life expectancy. A part of me dreads what happens at the other end of this weight loss, though, because I'm truly not ready to be seen. As an introvert, I'd really just like to make my way about the planet seeing what I want to see and being seen only when I choose to be. It's just too bad that reality doesn't seem to be agreeable to my preferences. Anyone have any suggestions on how to overcome the fear of being seen?
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