Happiness...

"Miserable and happy are not functions of what you have, what you look like, or what you achieve." ~ Geneen Roth

I've spent a lot of time over the past week or so reflecting on happiness.  Each of us has our own idea of what happiness is, how it is achieved, and how deserving we are of it.  It seems to me that, for as long as I can remember, I've always associated happiness with a lifestyle that is unachievable to me as someone who is profoundly overweight.  There is a simplistic idea embedded in my psyche that equates thin-ness with happiness.  I have this idea in my mind that, if I were thin, life would be significantly better.

You know that conversation you have in your head when you buy a Powerball ticket?  The jackpot is $200 million, and you buy your ticket with the, "Why not me?" question hanging in the air as the clerk hands you your potential fortune.  What would you do first?  Would you tell anyone?  Who would you tell first?  Would you quit your job immediately?  Would you donate a percentage of it to a church or a charity?  I love imagining what I would do first.  I love the idea of being in a position to actually help people in a significant and meaningful way.

In this same manner, I fantasize about being thin.  What would it feel like to sit on an airplane and have neither of my thighs touching an armrest?  I wouldn't have to worry about riding in a friend's car and not having the seatbelt fit.  What clothes would I buy?  How would I dress?  It's been years since I wore high heels - would I buy a boatload of 3-inch heels?  Would I join an indoor sports league and take up soccer again?  In high school I used to love to play golf on our local 9-hole course; would I be able to pick the clubs up again and play a round on a Florida course?  Would I take up a friend's offer to go out for a night of drinking and dancing?

I think what the quote above means is that we need to learn where it is that we find happiness, because losing weight isn't going to be the answer to it any more than winning the lottery is.  Perhaps that's why so many jackpot winners go broke so quickly after winning.  Happiness isn't in the things we buy, and it probably isn't going to be found underneath the layers of fat I'm shedding.  That's a big change in thinking for me. 

When I think about the happiest times in my life, it is almost exclusively tied to three things: people, travel, and learning.  For me, happiness lies in the moments shared with family and friends - memories of laughter, story-telling, and shared experiences.  "Remember that time Dad nearly burned down the vacation rental in Maine?"  Ahhh... good times, good times!  "Remember that huge blizzard when we were going to sled down the road, and when we got to the bottom the snowplow was coming straight at us?"  "Remember when we got to Paris and didn't have a hotel room booked, and we walked all over the city with our luggage trying to find somewhere decent with a room?" 

I, like many people who carry as much excess weight as I do, have battled clinical depression.  I am certain that it started as situational depression, but unequipped to handle the emotional consequences of bad choices I'd made, it became a long-term situation... and then I just kept making bad decision after bad decision, compounding everything.  If I didn't have two brilliant children (of whom I am immensely proud), I would call for a do-over... 'cause I think I can see how and where it all went wrong.  And it only took me 25 years to figure it out!

So it appears that losing this weight will not help me pay the IRS what they allege I owe them (dear sweet mother of God, if any of you reading this can fix that... talk about fantasy!).  It will not guarantee that I will find a man who is amazing and wants to share his life with me.  It won't even promise to make it possible for me to buy the clothes I want... after all, I'm still wicked short and decidedly un-wealthy.  Plus, designers don't generally create fabulous fashions for a 24" inseam.  It will not mean that I will have more time to do the things I wish I could do, or more money to do those things.

There's more to ponder here, but I'm starting to think that I'll be better off in a year or two if I keep my expectations for weight loss firmly planted in reality.  I can trust that I will be healthier a year from now.  My cholesterol will be lower.  My triglycerides will go down.  It will be easier for me to climb stairs, and I will have more energy than I do now.  I will probably feel more at ease in social situations, but being introverted is not going to change.  Who I am will not fundamentally change.  I will still prefer quiet settings to loud ones.  I will still need to remind myself that, just because someone doesn't like me doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me.

Happiness, for me, would be having my entire family living within 2 hours' driving distance of each other.  It would mean that our children would know each other and be able to begin stories with, "My cousin and I..."  A place for family and friends to gather and share our stories and adventures in life.  That's where happiness is for me.  Size 6 or size 26, I think it's important to recognize that this is a weight loss journey - not a journey to nirvana.

Where does your happiness lie?